December 8th
December 9th

Friday night.

In my life I have met many different friends. One of my friends is an English teacher. I read her blog tonight and felt like I wish I could help her more. I know it's hard to be away from her family on top of it all. Here I am with my family no more then minutes away from me, yet I find myself all holed up in our house. We did not put up our tree. I did not participate in the office secret Santa, nor did I do the cookie exchange. I just am not happy this Christmas season. The thing is, no one at work knew. I kept my professional face on. It's a political battle at my job and there can be no sign of weakness. I turned it into a game. As soon as my door opened for clients, bam there was a smile on my face, presentations ready and I stayed on my game. The only ones that sensed something was wrong was my interns. They are with me every second. They see me with clients, they see me crunching numbers, they see me on my down time. Even Lunch. Since the whole curtain and cat thing I have not had a desire to leave my house. We out shopping for the interns and I had a lot of fun, but other then that... I don't want to talk to anyone. It hurts still. All of it. The weekend I fall apart again. Probably from not thinking about it during the week. The weekend is down time. Personal reflection time. Time that my eyes water and heart aches.

It's Saturday morning.

Did not finish my post. Computer battery died. It was too cold to get the power cord, so I stayed in bed and went to sleep. He had already fallen asleep next to me. Right now he is out jogging and I'm typing away while sipping on coffee in the kitchen on our wonderful new dinning set. (we picked this up last weekend). I'm going shopping for my grandma, and we have to pick up a basket thing to wrap M and M's gift. I'm getting out of the house. My mourning period is over. I'm on vacation. Till the new year. Well I might put in a few hours in between. All meeting moved and teleconferences set. E-mails ready and net forum to run.... all to stay out of the office and to work in my yoga pants and long sleeved pull over of my choice.

Let's see.... I'm 31.

For my birthday I received back the gift I gave myself. I bought grandma curtains. That was my gift to myself for my birthday. Making sure grandma had window coverings. They were a lushish chocolate color. Well... that's not what my aunt had in mind. She also said that my other cousin ... ($250 Paint Job) was going to buy curtains ... um, then why did she only purchase one set of sheers for 5 windows. Whatever. My other cousin (who is living with grandma, got some girl knocked up, and asked if they would match the wood blinds that don't exist. My dad who was there today (on vacation) decided just to take them down and let them handle it. The cousin asked if they could be left up at least till the blinds are purchased. Grandma then said, "no, she has to get her money back if we take them down" ... so down they went. This is the same cousin that spent $300 on a glass fish vase. Another couple of hundred on some water fountain that looks like it came from a Target garden center...he has in it the living room. Can we all say "maxed-out credit cards". Imagine, I could have spent time with my Timba, rather then waste my time putting up something that others did not "picture". Timba died that night. My aunt and her kids can do what they want. I'm strictly staying out of it. I offered, I was rejected. Oh well. Next I'm going to weed the garden and when I'm done I'm sure they will hire a landscape service.

Now that I have written all this... I still love them. They just have issues that are-what-they-are and if this is how they feel in control of their lives, and how they feel important... oh well. I have new curtains to put up in my house... Next they will no longer have the carpet my dad had installed in mind... careful pop. ;-P